P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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