i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
