I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
