The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
