I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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