I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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