I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
