people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize