i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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