I met the friendliest cop last night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
