I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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