Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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