I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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