can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Are we still banned from the library?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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