Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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