God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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