I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize