you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
