Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
