Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
