What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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