foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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