Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
