when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
