Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
