last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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