im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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