I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
