My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
