i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
