please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
