What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
