I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
