so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
