i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I need to stop coming to work sober
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
