I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
