Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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