I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
