Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
