i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
