she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
