im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize