How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
