Im at strip club and am horny
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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