He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
