she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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