My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
