i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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