piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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