I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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