he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
