I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
