Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
