Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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