No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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