She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize