I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
