He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
