Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize