whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
