Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We are all done wearing pants today
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize